When I think of who I am, I think of the different people I have been. When we are children, we know who we are. We know our place in this world. When I became a teenager, things changed. I had no worries until at 16, I became pregnant. This would change me in an incredible way. I went from being a child, and adolescent, to being pregnant. My world went from being easy going and fun, to one of shame and guilt.
I was brought up with Religion, so right off the bat, my guilt was huge. Being 16 and pregnant was one of the most embarrassing things I have experienced in life. I went from being a good girl that had lots of friends, to the 'bad' girl in a matter of months. This had a horrible affect on me. My friends were no longer allowed to see me. I went from a girl to a woman, in my body, not my mind. In my mind I was still a young 16 girl, who did not understand how my life would change from here.
I was care free of thought before this, now I was changing, and had no control over it. Trying to understand who I was at that time was one of the most difficult things I would go through. I tried not to feel shame or guilt, but it was not easy. This predicament put my parent's in a tumultuous position. I am the oldest of five children, and my parents were proud of the person I had become. My parents had lost a child a few years before I got pregnant, it was horrible for my parents, and my mom almost didn't make it through that time. Then I come home pregnant. I can only imagine, being a mom now, how I would have felt. It was really hard to determine my place in the world at that time. I was horrified at the prospect of actually being 16 and being pregnant.
In 1973 teen pregnancy was not accepted at all. It was something to be ashamed of, and everybody let me know that. I remember trying to put a ring on my finger and pretend that it was a wedding ring, to try to fool people. It did not work. That kind of pressure on a teen mind, does crazy stuff to the opinion I had of myself. I was now not the person I thought I was. What happened? It would take me several years to recover from this state of mind.
In contrast to that, today teenage girls think that it is cool to get pregnant. Some even have pregnancy pacts to see how many can get pregnant. There are television shows specifically geared for teen moms. I watched it once, just to see where these girls were coming from. These young girls have not even got a clue why they did it. They thought the boy they were dating would love them more and be more of a part of their life. Or that they would have a baby, and that baby would give them the love they thought they were missing. It was a shame to see how many of the babies were not being taken care of. How could they be, these girls are children themselves. I believe that they thought they could reinvent who they were, with a child. Wow! These girls had no chance to learn who they were, before they are now moms. What I saw in most of the girls was a sense of loss. A loss of themselves. You can see in their faces, they now know maybe getting pregnant did not have the effect they wanted, and now it's too late.
It is amazing that 40 years ago, teenage pregnancy was taboo, now it is accepted. Accepted so much so, that it is televised and these girls are paid for it. The shame and guilt of teenage pregnancy that I faced in 1973 is so different from the fame and support that is shown today. I am not sure if it is better or worse. All in all teenage pregnancy changes who we are. For me, it would take decades of years for me to deal with what I felt at that time.
I was talking with my mom about this the other day. I wanted her to know I was going to write down my feelings about this subject. Obviously, I have carried this around for years. My mom took my to her doctor, he told me that he knew people who wanted to adopt my baby. At 16, I was smart enough to know that a 14 year old dad, and myself would not be this baby's best chance. I thought that this child would have a better chance at life, with someone other than myself. The doctor told me way back when, "don't feel with this child, pretend you are just sick, then you won't feel empty when this is over"... Now I understand why I had no feelings! Not good feelings, not bad feelings, no feelings. Years later, we would find out that this doctor was really selling babies on the Black Market. That was not a very comforting knowledge, but again I did not feel anything. I never understood why I don't feel when it comes to this subject. Now I know. It was a revelation, yesterday when I was talking to my mom. Wow, how amazing that you can be brainwashed and not even know it, until 40 years later. I guess I understand that part of myself now. It would take me ten years after this event to even think about wanting a child.
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