Perceptions and Trust

Perceptions...perceptions are interesting ideas. They are a perceived view of our lives, what we do, and who we are. It is funny how the perceptions we have, aren't always based in reality. We believe that this is our reality, but in fact, sometimes the perception we have of ourselves is based on someone else's opinions of us. We are labeled by others because of the way we think, or the way we speak, and often it is because of our beliefs. If we choose to believe certain ideas that we have perceived, we can make these our realities. For instance, when I was 16 and pregnant, people's perceptions of me, changed my life for years. I did not realize until I was much older, that my perceptions were not always truths. I have been fooled many times by people saying, "I love you". Not all people mean what they say, or say what they mean. When you get fooled by someone, it changes your perception of yourself and others. For years, I believed people's lies, even when I knew inside they were lying. I had a hard time believing that my perception of my life, was a lie. Each time this happened to me though, I grew a little bit harder. By harder, I mean trusting in others. Trust is something I innately had as a child. My parent's never gave me a reason, not to trust.  I innately trusted my siblings, and most others when I was young.

Going through a teenage pregnancy changed my perception of myself, almost immediately. One day, I am a carefree 16 year old, just getting my license. And, the next day, I am no longer carefree, and I am carrying a child inside me. If I had known then, what I know now, I would have told all of those people who judged me, to hang it in their ear. When you are young, other's opinions can make you forget who you really are. Sometimes we learn to believe what other's say.

When I got married the first time, I believed that my relationship was okay. Yes that's right okay. I knew from the very beginning, that we had no similar beliefs. I figured I could change that. Surely, he loved me enough to be an upstanding guy. I should have gone with my first perception of this guy, but sometimes we lie to ourselves, for unknown reasons. During this relationship, I would learn that people say they love you, and it is just words. When I realized this, the perception I had of myself was that I was a failure. Again, it would take me years to realize, that he was the failure, not me.

As a single mother of two, I now had a different perception of myself. I had total control over these two girls lives, and I was scared to death. Could I ever be what I needed to be for them? Could I feed and clothe them? Would I always have the right answers for them? I had to have a perception of myself that was totally confident, never scared, and always alert. In retrospect, for years I tried to be this super person that totally wore me out. I thought I had to be tough at all times, never letting my guard down. I didn't either, it was hard for anyone to get to me emotionally. It was not until my 40s that I would open my heart again. I would finally learn to trust and love again.