I was contacted by a Publisher regarding my blog. He has asked me to try a different format. So I am trying to come up with a different style, same content, I just need a different way to deliver it.
Give me a couple of days, and I will re-post in a different manner.
It is kind of exciting, that maybe there will be girls that will get something from this content. It makes me more motivated to get the right information out.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. Your feedback is important.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
A Quick Note
Yesterday I was contacted by a publishing house, they are interested in my manuscript, wow!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Miracles
Miracles begin with a fresh perspective
To witness a miracle is to know yourself: vital, brilliant, and heavenly in body and spirit
A Soul Owner - you own your values, your integrity, your thoughts, your words, your actions, and therefore - your destiny
Where there is hope, there can be faith, where there is faith, miracles can occur
Miracles can be found everywhere, begin by looking within
To witness a miracle is to know yourself: vital, brilliant, and heavenly in body and spirit
A Soul Owner - you own your values, your integrity, your thoughts, your words, your actions, and therefore - your destiny
Where there is hope, there can be faith, where there is faith, miracles can occur
Miracles can be found everywhere, begin by looking within
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Mistakes and Change
Some of my worst mistakes have turned out to be the best possible scenarios. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives. It is the one's that we learn from that make us who we really are. There was a time in my life that while I was living through a mistake I had made, I didn't think I would ever be able to get away from it. That is when I learned about change. The change had to come from within me, because if we are foolish enough to think we will ever change someone else, we are doomed. Doomed to live in a world where you are always hopeful that you will be able to change some one's mind, or feelings, or their behavior. You cannot! I tried so many times to change the bad behavior some people had, to no avail. Sometimes it made is worse. It took me so long to realize that the only thing I can change, is myself. Once I learned that, I felt like a had a super power. I learned that this power could give me a way out of some of the mistakes I had made. Once you change yourself, things start to change around you. It does not always turn out the way you think it will. During some of my self changes, I realized that these mistakes around me, were not always mine to take on. It wasn't really my problem. I just learned to live with it. Learning to live with things that go against our every grain, should tell us something, inside. If it doesn't feel good, it probably isn't. Learn to speak up to yourself. I finally did and it makes my life easier to live. I can deal with my own faults, and I am tired of living with other's problems. We learn a lot about our self when we deal with only our own mistakes.
Growing and learning from mistakes that we have made, help us become our real selves. One you learn to look within for your truths, it becomes much easier to find what we really need in this life. Once you can let go, life starts over again. Each time this happens to me, I learn something more about myself and my future.
Growing and learning from mistakes that we have made, help us become our real selves. One you learn to look within for your truths, it becomes much easier to find what we really need in this life. Once you can let go, life starts over again. Each time this happens to me, I learn something more about myself and my future.
Perceptions and Trust
Perceptions...perceptions are interesting ideas. They are a perceived view of our lives, what we do, and who we are. It is funny how the perceptions we have, aren't always based in reality. We believe that this is our reality, but in fact, sometimes the perception we have of ourselves is based on someone else's opinions of us. We are labeled by others because of the way we think, or the way we speak, and often it is because of our beliefs. If we choose to believe certain ideas that we have perceived, we can make these our realities. For instance, when I was 16 and pregnant, people's perceptions of me, changed my life for years. I did not realize until I was much older, that my perceptions were not always truths. I have been fooled many times by people saying, "I love you". Not all people mean what they say, or say what they mean. When you get fooled by someone, it changes your perception of yourself and others. For years, I believed people's lies, even when I knew inside they were lying. I had a hard time believing that my perception of my life, was a lie. Each time this happened to me though, I grew a little bit harder. By harder, I mean trusting in others. Trust is something I innately had as a child. My parent's never gave me a reason, not to trust. I innately trusted my siblings, and most others when I was young.
Going through a teenage pregnancy changed my perception of myself, almost immediately. One day, I am a carefree 16 year old, just getting my license. And, the next day, I am no longer carefree, and I am carrying a child inside me. If I had known then, what I know now, I would have told all of those people who judged me, to hang it in their ear. When you are young, other's opinions can make you forget who you really are. Sometimes we learn to believe what other's say.
When I got married the first time, I believed that my relationship was okay. Yes that's right okay. I knew from the very beginning, that we had no similar beliefs. I figured I could change that. Surely, he loved me enough to be an upstanding guy. I should have gone with my first perception of this guy, but sometimes we lie to ourselves, for unknown reasons. During this relationship, I would learn that people say they love you, and it is just words. When I realized this, the perception I had of myself was that I was a failure. Again, it would take me years to realize, that he was the failure, not me.
As a single mother of two, I now had a different perception of myself. I had total control over these two girls lives, and I was scared to death. Could I ever be what I needed to be for them? Could I feed and clothe them? Would I always have the right answers for them? I had to have a perception of myself that was totally confident, never scared, and always alert. In retrospect, for years I tried to be this super person that totally wore me out. I thought I had to be tough at all times, never letting my guard down. I didn't either, it was hard for anyone to get to me emotionally. It was not until my 40s that I would open my heart again. I would finally learn to trust and love again.
Going through a teenage pregnancy changed my perception of myself, almost immediately. One day, I am a carefree 16 year old, just getting my license. And, the next day, I am no longer carefree, and I am carrying a child inside me. If I had known then, what I know now, I would have told all of those people who judged me, to hang it in their ear. When you are young, other's opinions can make you forget who you really are. Sometimes we learn to believe what other's say.
When I got married the first time, I believed that my relationship was okay. Yes that's right okay. I knew from the very beginning, that we had no similar beliefs. I figured I could change that. Surely, he loved me enough to be an upstanding guy. I should have gone with my first perception of this guy, but sometimes we lie to ourselves, for unknown reasons. During this relationship, I would learn that people say they love you, and it is just words. When I realized this, the perception I had of myself was that I was a failure. Again, it would take me years to realize, that he was the failure, not me.
As a single mother of two, I now had a different perception of myself. I had total control over these two girls lives, and I was scared to death. Could I ever be what I needed to be for them? Could I feed and clothe them? Would I always have the right answers for them? I had to have a perception of myself that was totally confident, never scared, and always alert. In retrospect, for years I tried to be this super person that totally wore me out. I thought I had to be tough at all times, never letting my guard down. I didn't either, it was hard for anyone to get to me emotionally. It was not until my 40s that I would open my heart again. I would finally learn to trust and love again.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Why We Are The Way We Are?
When I think of who I am, I think of the different people I have been. When we are children, we know who we are. We know our place in this world. When I became a teenager, things changed. I had no worries until at 16, I became pregnant. This would change me in an incredible way. I went from being a child, and adolescent, to being pregnant. My world went from being easy going and fun, to one of shame and guilt.
I was brought up with Religion, so right off the bat, my guilt was huge. Being 16 and pregnant was one of the most embarrassing things I have experienced in life. I went from being a good girl that had lots of friends, to the 'bad' girl in a matter of months. This had a horrible affect on me. My friends were no longer allowed to see me. I went from a girl to a woman, in my body, not my mind. In my mind I was still a young 16 girl, who did not understand how my life would change from here.
I was care free of thought before this, now I was changing, and had no control over it. Trying to understand who I was at that time was one of the most difficult things I would go through. I tried not to feel shame or guilt, but it was not easy. This predicament put my parent's in a tumultuous position. I am the oldest of five children, and my parents were proud of the person I had become. My parents had lost a child a few years before I got pregnant, it was horrible for my parents, and my mom almost didn't make it through that time. Then I come home pregnant. I can only imagine, being a mom now, how I would have felt. It was really hard to determine my place in the world at that time. I was horrified at the prospect of actually being 16 and being pregnant.
In 1973 teen pregnancy was not accepted at all. It was something to be ashamed of, and everybody let me know that. I remember trying to put a ring on my finger and pretend that it was a wedding ring, to try to fool people. It did not work. That kind of pressure on a teen mind, does crazy stuff to the opinion I had of myself. I was now not the person I thought I was. What happened? It would take me several years to recover from this state of mind.
In contrast to that, today teenage girls think that it is cool to get pregnant. Some even have pregnancy pacts to see how many can get pregnant. There are television shows specifically geared for teen moms. I watched it once, just to see where these girls were coming from. These young girls have not even got a clue why they did it. They thought the boy they were dating would love them more and be more of a part of their life. Or that they would have a baby, and that baby would give them the love they thought they were missing. It was a shame to see how many of the babies were not being taken care of. How could they be, these girls are children themselves. I believe that they thought they could reinvent who they were, with a child. Wow! These girls had no chance to learn who they were, before they are now moms. What I saw in most of the girls was a sense of loss. A loss of themselves. You can see in their faces, they now know maybe getting pregnant did not have the effect they wanted, and now it's too late.
It is amazing that 40 years ago, teenage pregnancy was taboo, now it is accepted. Accepted so much so, that it is televised and these girls are paid for it. The shame and guilt of teenage pregnancy that I faced in 1973 is so different from the fame and support that is shown today. I am not sure if it is better or worse. All in all teenage pregnancy changes who we are. For me, it would take decades of years for me to deal with what I felt at that time.
I was talking with my mom about this the other day. I wanted her to know I was going to write down my feelings about this subject. Obviously, I have carried this around for years. My mom took my to her doctor, he told me that he knew people who wanted to adopt my baby. At 16, I was smart enough to know that a 14 year old dad, and myself would not be this baby's best chance. I thought that this child would have a better chance at life, with someone other than myself. The doctor told me way back when, "don't feel with this child, pretend you are just sick, then you won't feel empty when this is over"... Now I understand why I had no feelings! Not good feelings, not bad feelings, no feelings. Years later, we would find out that this doctor was really selling babies on the Black Market. That was not a very comforting knowledge, but again I did not feel anything. I never understood why I don't feel when it comes to this subject. Now I know. It was a revelation, yesterday when I was talking to my mom. Wow, how amazing that you can be brainwashed and not even know it, until 40 years later. I guess I understand that part of myself now. It would take me ten years after this event to even think about wanting a child.
I was brought up with Religion, so right off the bat, my guilt was huge. Being 16 and pregnant was one of the most embarrassing things I have experienced in life. I went from being a good girl that had lots of friends, to the 'bad' girl in a matter of months. This had a horrible affect on me. My friends were no longer allowed to see me. I went from a girl to a woman, in my body, not my mind. In my mind I was still a young 16 girl, who did not understand how my life would change from here.
I was care free of thought before this, now I was changing, and had no control over it. Trying to understand who I was at that time was one of the most difficult things I would go through. I tried not to feel shame or guilt, but it was not easy. This predicament put my parent's in a tumultuous position. I am the oldest of five children, and my parents were proud of the person I had become. My parents had lost a child a few years before I got pregnant, it was horrible for my parents, and my mom almost didn't make it through that time. Then I come home pregnant. I can only imagine, being a mom now, how I would have felt. It was really hard to determine my place in the world at that time. I was horrified at the prospect of actually being 16 and being pregnant.
In 1973 teen pregnancy was not accepted at all. It was something to be ashamed of, and everybody let me know that. I remember trying to put a ring on my finger and pretend that it was a wedding ring, to try to fool people. It did not work. That kind of pressure on a teen mind, does crazy stuff to the opinion I had of myself. I was now not the person I thought I was. What happened? It would take me several years to recover from this state of mind.
In contrast to that, today teenage girls think that it is cool to get pregnant. Some even have pregnancy pacts to see how many can get pregnant. There are television shows specifically geared for teen moms. I watched it once, just to see where these girls were coming from. These young girls have not even got a clue why they did it. They thought the boy they were dating would love them more and be more of a part of their life. Or that they would have a baby, and that baby would give them the love they thought they were missing. It was a shame to see how many of the babies were not being taken care of. How could they be, these girls are children themselves. I believe that they thought they could reinvent who they were, with a child. Wow! These girls had no chance to learn who they were, before they are now moms. What I saw in most of the girls was a sense of loss. A loss of themselves. You can see in their faces, they now know maybe getting pregnant did not have the effect they wanted, and now it's too late.
It is amazing that 40 years ago, teenage pregnancy was taboo, now it is accepted. Accepted so much so, that it is televised and these girls are paid for it. The shame and guilt of teenage pregnancy that I faced in 1973 is so different from the fame and support that is shown today. I am not sure if it is better or worse. All in all teenage pregnancy changes who we are. For me, it would take decades of years for me to deal with what I felt at that time.
I was talking with my mom about this the other day. I wanted her to know I was going to write down my feelings about this subject. Obviously, I have carried this around for years. My mom took my to her doctor, he told me that he knew people who wanted to adopt my baby. At 16, I was smart enough to know that a 14 year old dad, and myself would not be this baby's best chance. I thought that this child would have a better chance at life, with someone other than myself. The doctor told me way back when, "don't feel with this child, pretend you are just sick, then you won't feel empty when this is over"... Now I understand why I had no feelings! Not good feelings, not bad feelings, no feelings. Years later, we would find out that this doctor was really selling babies on the Black Market. That was not a very comforting knowledge, but again I did not feel anything. I never understood why I don't feel when it comes to this subject. Now I know. It was a revelation, yesterday when I was talking to my mom. Wow, how amazing that you can be brainwashed and not even know it, until 40 years later. I guess I understand that part of myself now. It would take me ten years after this event to even think about wanting a child.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Being Yourself
When I think of being myself, I think of when I was a child. It was such a care free time. No worries, no insecurities, no sleepless nights. The innocence that exists in children, is priceless. As we grow older, peer pressure becomes an issue. We develop most of our insecurities during this time. Being a teenager and trying to be yourself is an oxymoron . It is almost an impossible thing to accomplish. If you do not follow, you are an outcast. If you do, that creates other repercussions. Most teenagers don't realize that they have a mind of their own, to make decisions. If this thought was present when we are teens, we would have a fighting chance. Girls are the meanest at this age. The girls in high school were nasty when I was a teen, but today it is something even more scary. One of my daughters made it out of high school, mostly unscathed. The other did not. It was a mess. Everyday she was sad or hurt by someone. Day after day, for four years this lasted. It did not matter how she dressed, or how she acted, it just never ended. Unfortunately, this followed her through college.
Girls are put under so much pressure in today's society. There are television commercials that show these beautiful models, in beautiful clothes, with beautiful guys. The Media puts so much pressure on the way we look, or talk, or act, that a girl hardly has a chance to really be who she is. It is hard for girls that don't have a perfect 10 body, to even try to have any self-esteem. Confidence is broken down every time we are made fun of for not wearing the right clothes, or not being the most popular. It isn't a wonder why we have so many self-esteem issues as young girls.
I saw this talk show the other day, where models were actually mad because a magazine had taken parts of many models, and made them into a fake model for clothes. Even the models were outraged because this 'model' was a state of perfection that even for them was unattainable. Can you imagine that we have all been trying to live up to something 'fake'? This is where girls start learning how they should look, very scary, isn't it? If only there was a way to do away with the fake models, and bring real girls, with real looks onto the runway. Maybe then girls would have a chance to be themselves from a young age, instead of always trying to be someone you are not.
Girls play games, and they are ruthless at it. If they want you guy, they do what ever they have to, to make him hers. It doesn't always work to their benefit, but it will make your life miserable while they play. If they are jealous of you, they start rumors. Fighting this is impossible. If I had known then what I know today, it would have been different. It has taken me a long time to figure why girls do what they do. Most of it is from some kind of insecurity. Insecurities arise when we stop being ourselves. Once you stray from who you really are, it's over. You are on your way to fake, fake, fake. This is where we all have a choice to be who we really are. What does it matter what others think? Do others live your life, do they make your decisions for you? No, so why do you care what they think?
Being yourself is the only way to be. When you become someone else, you forget who you are. You also forget what it is you really wanted from life. I am free to be me. Try it!
Girls are put under so much pressure in today's society. There are television commercials that show these beautiful models, in beautiful clothes, with beautiful guys. The Media puts so much pressure on the way we look, or talk, or act, that a girl hardly has a chance to really be who she is. It is hard for girls that don't have a perfect 10 body, to even try to have any self-esteem. Confidence is broken down every time we are made fun of for not wearing the right clothes, or not being the most popular. It isn't a wonder why we have so many self-esteem issues as young girls.
I saw this talk show the other day, where models were actually mad because a magazine had taken parts of many models, and made them into a fake model for clothes. Even the models were outraged because this 'model' was a state of perfection that even for them was unattainable. Can you imagine that we have all been trying to live up to something 'fake'? This is where girls start learning how they should look, very scary, isn't it? If only there was a way to do away with the fake models, and bring real girls, with real looks onto the runway. Maybe then girls would have a chance to be themselves from a young age, instead of always trying to be someone you are not.
Girls play games, and they are ruthless at it. If they want you guy, they do what ever they have to, to make him hers. It doesn't always work to their benefit, but it will make your life miserable while they play. If they are jealous of you, they start rumors. Fighting this is impossible. If I had known then what I know today, it would have been different. It has taken me a long time to figure why girls do what they do. Most of it is from some kind of insecurity. Insecurities arise when we stop being ourselves. Once you stray from who you really are, it's over. You are on your way to fake, fake, fake. This is where we all have a choice to be who we really are. What does it matter what others think? Do others live your life, do they make your decisions for you? No, so why do you care what they think?
Being yourself is the only way to be. When you become someone else, you forget who you are. You also forget what it is you really wanted from life. I am free to be me. Try it!
What Do We Want?
As human beings, I believe we all have the same basic needs. Love would probably be the first thing most people think of when asked "What Do You Want Most In Your Life?" Love is an ever changing emotion. It can make you happy, it can make you sad, it can make you hate, or it can make you hope.
Love is something that requires two people to really commit to commit to each other. That sounds so much easier than it really is. It is easy to say "I Do", and unfortunately in this day and age it is just as easy to get a divorce. Marriage in our society today is very disposable. With the Media the way it is today, we are always getting up to date reports about this or that actor that just got married 72 days ago and now they are divorcing. Everyday there is a new story of who is getting divorced.
It didn't work! It probably didn't work because both people entering into this relationship, were not committed to being honest with themselves about what they were really wanting from marriage. People go into marriages wanting someone to take care of them, or to make them feel safe. Unless you have some common background similarities, chances are the real compatibility isn't there. We form relationships for all kinds of reasons. Some want companionship, and some are really looking for love. Working on a relationship like marriage takes work every minute of every day. If you do not realize from the start, that relationships are compromise, you are doomed. Compromise has never been an easy thing for me to do. From the time I was a teenager, I have been a rebel, and compromising always reminded me of losing. As I have become more enlightened on the ways of Relationships, I have learned that without compromise there is no Relationship. All relationships whether they are friendships or marriages, are give and take. That is the way a Relationship gains trust. With no trust, you cannot really have love. Trust is a very scary thing, especially for me. Time and time again, people have proved that I cannot trust them. This is where figuring out myself came into play. I finally realized that you cannot always trust everyone, but there are some you can. If you are true to yourself, and honest with others about your feelings, you develop trust. Without searching inward, we have no way of knowing what we want outside of ourselves.
If you do not love yourself, it doesn't matter who you marry, chances are it won't work. People do not realize that we really do not know what we want from other people. Loving ourselves requires being honest with one's self, looking inward, and realizing that everyone makes mistakes. It is the mistakes, that sometimes makes us the people we become. If you cannot let go of the unanswered questions or the reasons why you did or did not do something, you have no chance. No chance of ever being loved by someone else. There is no room inside a heart that is not content. That is kind of a deep statement, but think about it for a moment. You cannot be truly happy until your own heart is content. Content with the fact that you are okay with what you have done in your life, good or bad. This does not come easy.
For years I would think about the different bad choices I made, or people I dated, or places I went. This kind of dwelling hurts one person, and one person only, you! The people that are involved in these circumstances with you, aren't suffering a bit. They aren't suffering because these are the kind of things we keep locked inside. Until we unlock them by exploring our feelings about them, they will keep your heart from really loving to the fullest. I use to believe that if it was painful for me, surely it was painful for all parties concerned. Not so! This was the idea that took me the longest to figure out. We all have control over how we let other people's actions and words affect us. I know that sounds amazing, but we do. In fact, we are the only one's that can control how other's affect us. You have to ask yourself, why am I letting this other person's life, lies, or actions affect me. If it's not your mess, don't try to clean it up. This is one of the hardest lessons I have learned.
It took me a long time to realize that what we think we want, is not always what we need.
Love is something that requires two people to really commit to commit to each other. That sounds so much easier than it really is. It is easy to say "I Do", and unfortunately in this day and age it is just as easy to get a divorce. Marriage in our society today is very disposable. With the Media the way it is today, we are always getting up to date reports about this or that actor that just got married 72 days ago and now they are divorcing. Everyday there is a new story of who is getting divorced.
It didn't work! It probably didn't work because both people entering into this relationship, were not committed to being honest with themselves about what they were really wanting from marriage. People go into marriages wanting someone to take care of them, or to make them feel safe. Unless you have some common background similarities, chances are the real compatibility isn't there. We form relationships for all kinds of reasons. Some want companionship, and some are really looking for love. Working on a relationship like marriage takes work every minute of every day. If you do not realize from the start, that relationships are compromise, you are doomed. Compromise has never been an easy thing for me to do. From the time I was a teenager, I have been a rebel, and compromising always reminded me of losing. As I have become more enlightened on the ways of Relationships, I have learned that without compromise there is no Relationship. All relationships whether they are friendships or marriages, are give and take. That is the way a Relationship gains trust. With no trust, you cannot really have love. Trust is a very scary thing, especially for me. Time and time again, people have proved that I cannot trust them. This is where figuring out myself came into play. I finally realized that you cannot always trust everyone, but there are some you can. If you are true to yourself, and honest with others about your feelings, you develop trust. Without searching inward, we have no way of knowing what we want outside of ourselves.
If you do not love yourself, it doesn't matter who you marry, chances are it won't work. People do not realize that we really do not know what we want from other people. Loving ourselves requires being honest with one's self, looking inward, and realizing that everyone makes mistakes. It is the mistakes, that sometimes makes us the people we become. If you cannot let go of the unanswered questions or the reasons why you did or did not do something, you have no chance. No chance of ever being loved by someone else. There is no room inside a heart that is not content. That is kind of a deep statement, but think about it for a moment. You cannot be truly happy until your own heart is content. Content with the fact that you are okay with what you have done in your life, good or bad. This does not come easy.
For years I would think about the different bad choices I made, or people I dated, or places I went. This kind of dwelling hurts one person, and one person only, you! The people that are involved in these circumstances with you, aren't suffering a bit. They aren't suffering because these are the kind of things we keep locked inside. Until we unlock them by exploring our feelings about them, they will keep your heart from really loving to the fullest. I use to believe that if it was painful for me, surely it was painful for all parties concerned. Not so! This was the idea that took me the longest to figure out. We all have control over how we let other people's actions and words affect us. I know that sounds amazing, but we do. In fact, we are the only one's that can control how other's affect us. You have to ask yourself, why am I letting this other person's life, lies, or actions affect me. If it's not your mess, don't try to clean it up. This is one of the hardest lessons I have learned.
It took me a long time to realize that what we think we want, is not always what we need.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Figuring Out Who We Are
Figuring out who we are is one of life's little mysteries. Just when you think you know, it changes. Or life changes. The willingness to find one's selves comes with age and the need to be free in one's own mind. We all make mistakes in our lives. We learn to live with them or we don't. If we don't we are destined not to learn from them. It took me a long time to realize, that the energy I spent on people who really didn't care about me to begin with, was a harm only to me. Once I realized that, it was easier to let go of the people and/or things in my life that don't work. I was always under the impression that when you hurt about someone, they feel the same. It has taken me many years to realize that love and compassion are not always reciprocal. It has also taken me a long time to learn that blood does not mean automatic love. But the most important thing I have learned in my life is, to be yourself.
The Starting Point
I am not sure how this will all be arranged when I am done, but I figure I will write when the mood strikes, and later I will figure out the order it should be put in.
My head doesn't always think chronologically. I think it might be easier to start from here and go back. This will be an interesting process for me, but I think in the long run it will be therapeutically good for me. I will probably be jumping back and forth, let me know if you are bored. Comment, so I know if you are even interested, or if you think the topics will do someone else some good. After awhile I will publish it online, and if it is going to be read, I will find out soon enough.
So join me in this crazy journey to see if I can write...
I have had so many crazy things happen to me in my life, it would be crazy not to write about them!
My head doesn't always think chronologically. I think it might be easier to start from here and go back. This will be an interesting process for me, but I think in the long run it will be therapeutically good for me. I will probably be jumping back and forth, let me know if you are bored. Comment, so I know if you are even interested, or if you think the topics will do someone else some good. After awhile I will publish it online, and if it is going to be read, I will find out soon enough.
So join me in this crazy journey to see if I can write...
I have had so many crazy things happen to me in my life, it would be crazy not to write about them!
The Me I Have Always Wanted To Be
I have been wanting to write a book for several years now, but unsure as how to start it. Also, you have to ask yourself who would want to read a book I wrote. So year after year I have put it off, until now. One of my undertakings this year is going to be this book. I believe, I have found a way to start it, and am sure I have plenty of research for it also. At 55 I have finally figured out that I can be the person I have always wanted to be, Me!
I wanted to start via a blog because it seems easier to write my thoughts down in this format. Since I started my Matsusworld Blog a couple years ago, I have gotten used to using it as a sounding board, and it is comfortable. Only the people in my life that I trust, have the address, so it seems like a safe environment for my daily thoughts. The reason I started that Blog was to keep in touch with Friends and Family that I do not live near. During that time I have realized how easy it really is to write, at least to write what I know about. I have so much experience, education, and practical application of life, maybe this information will help someone along the way. I believe that if my experiences with relationships, doctors, drugs, children, siblings, and parents, helps only one person, it will have been worth it.
It has taken me most of my 55 years to realize what I am really all about. So many years I could not look inward as to why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I do. I was too afraid of what exposing myself to all those scary things would actually do, I didn't. I thought it was easier to hide what hurt, or what I missed, or what I should or shouldn't have done. In retrospect I would not be the person I am, had I not lived through life's dramas, good and bad. At this age, my kids are raised and on their own, I am not in the workforce anymore, so I believe this is a good starting point.
When I was a child, I enjoyed a very healthy, happy childhood. I grew up in a very Norman Rockwell type environment. I was raised with Religion and I grew up with 4 siblings. My parents are still married after all these years. I enjoyed wonderful family vacations, and holidays with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends.
When I was a teenager, I believed anything was possible, and throughout most of my life, that has been my way of thinking. My parent's raised me to be inquisitive, smart, thoughtful, and compassionate for other people. Eventually as a teenager I became a complete rebel, as most teenagers do. At sixteen like most girls, I got a driver's license, I was able to date, and I was fearless! At seventeen, I got pregnant. I was kicked out of my high school, and sent to a Continuation School. Back in 1973, Pregnancy was not tolerated at schools, it was something to be ashamed of. This school, was a new kind of school. Kids that had been kicked out of school could go and still graduate. This was a radically different kind of school than I had ever seen. All but me and one other girl there, were criminals. Kids that got arrested for stealing, doing drugs, or worse. I did end up graduating, and giving the baby up for adoption. Years later I would find out that it was a black market baby adoption, and be involved in a Class Action Suit against the doctor.
When I was in my 20s I got married for the first time. He was young, and not really wanting to be married, and definitely not mature enough to carry on any kind of real relationship. I had two beautiful daughters. I would spend 16 years trying to make a life with this man, and world for us. I was 29 when I realized, he would never change, and I could not change him.
In my 30s, I moved 600 miles away from everyone and everything I knew. I moved to the Sierra Nevada Mountains to raise my daughters, as Southern California had grown too much. There was no small town feel anymore. Too fast, for the way I wanted to raise my children. I found a beautiful little town with only 500 population at that time, and started over. It was a hard life, but it definitely helped me be who I am today. Had I never moved from Orange County, I would never have experienced Nature the way I have for the last 25 years. Needless to say, it was Culture Shock, but eventually I found a way to raise my daughters in this beautiful Norman Rockwell type environment, and put myself through college.
In my 40s, I met a man that I had known as a child and a teenager. We eventually fell in love and he became my confidant, my best friend, and husband. We experienced many ups and downs in our 40s. Raising teenagers, finding the child I gave up at 17, and moving from the Mountains to the Foothills. Moving to the Foothills was interesting in more than one way. My oldest daughter went off to college. Where we live in the Foothills, there are also atleast 50 people that my husband and I went to school with as children. My husband and I would eventually move back to the Mountains for a few years for the youngest to go through high school.
In my 50s, my husband and I moved in with my parents. They were having health issues. My youngest daughter was graduating high school and going to college, and we needed a change. Life took unexpected routes through the next several years. We finally ended up back where we belong in the Foothills. My oldest is now a married, mother of two. My youngest is out of College and working on her Career, and my husband and I are starting over, again!
I wanted to start via a blog because it seems easier to write my thoughts down in this format. Since I started my Matsusworld Blog a couple years ago, I have gotten used to using it as a sounding board, and it is comfortable. Only the people in my life that I trust, have the address, so it seems like a safe environment for my daily thoughts. The reason I started that Blog was to keep in touch with Friends and Family that I do not live near. During that time I have realized how easy it really is to write, at least to write what I know about. I have so much experience, education, and practical application of life, maybe this information will help someone along the way. I believe that if my experiences with relationships, doctors, drugs, children, siblings, and parents, helps only one person, it will have been worth it.
It has taken me most of my 55 years to realize what I am really all about. So many years I could not look inward as to why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I do. I was too afraid of what exposing myself to all those scary things would actually do, I didn't. I thought it was easier to hide what hurt, or what I missed, or what I should or shouldn't have done. In retrospect I would not be the person I am, had I not lived through life's dramas, good and bad. At this age, my kids are raised and on their own, I am not in the workforce anymore, so I believe this is a good starting point.
When I was a child, I enjoyed a very healthy, happy childhood. I grew up in a very Norman Rockwell type environment. I was raised with Religion and I grew up with 4 siblings. My parents are still married after all these years. I enjoyed wonderful family vacations, and holidays with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends.
When I was a teenager, I believed anything was possible, and throughout most of my life, that has been my way of thinking. My parent's raised me to be inquisitive, smart, thoughtful, and compassionate for other people. Eventually as a teenager I became a complete rebel, as most teenagers do. At sixteen like most girls, I got a driver's license, I was able to date, and I was fearless! At seventeen, I got pregnant. I was kicked out of my high school, and sent to a Continuation School. Back in 1973, Pregnancy was not tolerated at schools, it was something to be ashamed of. This school, was a new kind of school. Kids that had been kicked out of school could go and still graduate. This was a radically different kind of school than I had ever seen. All but me and one other girl there, were criminals. Kids that got arrested for stealing, doing drugs, or worse. I did end up graduating, and giving the baby up for adoption. Years later I would find out that it was a black market baby adoption, and be involved in a Class Action Suit against the doctor.
When I was in my 20s I got married for the first time. He was young, and not really wanting to be married, and definitely not mature enough to carry on any kind of real relationship. I had two beautiful daughters. I would spend 16 years trying to make a life with this man, and world for us. I was 29 when I realized, he would never change, and I could not change him.
In my 30s, I moved 600 miles away from everyone and everything I knew. I moved to the Sierra Nevada Mountains to raise my daughters, as Southern California had grown too much. There was no small town feel anymore. Too fast, for the way I wanted to raise my children. I found a beautiful little town with only 500 population at that time, and started over. It was a hard life, but it definitely helped me be who I am today. Had I never moved from Orange County, I would never have experienced Nature the way I have for the last 25 years. Needless to say, it was Culture Shock, but eventually I found a way to raise my daughters in this beautiful Norman Rockwell type environment, and put myself through college.
In my 40s, I met a man that I had known as a child and a teenager. We eventually fell in love and he became my confidant, my best friend, and husband. We experienced many ups and downs in our 40s. Raising teenagers, finding the child I gave up at 17, and moving from the Mountains to the Foothills. Moving to the Foothills was interesting in more than one way. My oldest daughter went off to college. Where we live in the Foothills, there are also atleast 50 people that my husband and I went to school with as children. My husband and I would eventually move back to the Mountains for a few years for the youngest to go through high school.
In my 50s, my husband and I moved in with my parents. They were having health issues. My youngest daughter was graduating high school and going to college, and we needed a change. Life took unexpected routes through the next several years. We finally ended up back where we belong in the Foothills. My oldest is now a married, mother of two. My youngest is out of College and working on her Career, and my husband and I are starting over, again!
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